Grief

I had always want to write about losing someone, better understanding grief & its different stages & looks, and tips of how to get through. What I never ever wanted, is for this post to be prompted by my own person grief, but alas - sometimes life throws us some curve-balls that we weren't expecting, and here we are.

I lost someone special this week. A friend, colleague, free-spirited, inspirational, influential being. More so, a daughter, sister, cousin, partner-in-crime, barber extraordinaire, and potential future wife, mother, world-traveler has been lost.

I've experienced grief before, with my grandmother passing away, and through suicide of those I've known. And every time, how I have grieved over those no longer here is different. With my grandmother, we knew it was progressively coming, so had time to say our personal farewells, mentally prepare, & have some arrangements in place. For suicide, we knew that there was a chance those actions could play out, so every time I talked or met I took it as if it would be our last - but always hoping that there would be a next. But when someone you were not expecting dies, the pain and feeling is unlike any other I have encountered.

- Firstly, the shock and sheer disbelief of what you have just heard

- Second comes the physical symptoms, almost like adrenaline is kicking in and wearing off... the shakes, racing heart, inability to sit still, nose-bleed from my blood pressure dropping

- Third... tears. An emotional expression that I very rarely experience due to my medications, so I know that when I do the wall barrier to my emotions has collapsed. You feel everything. You may also let out some weeping noises, or even cry silently.

- Fourth is the memories & flashbacks that spin around uncontrollably in your mind. Some are locked away in your mind that you never even knew you had. You'll replay everything in your mind, over and over again - wanting one more time in person, one more time to talk, one more time to touch.

- Fifth is the realisation that what you've just experienced will never happen again. If you had stopped crying before - you probably will begin to weep at this stage again.

- Sixth is when you think beyond yourself, and to the other parties involved. The mother whose daughter will never see their baby again, the siblings that will never share another inside joke, the workmates that have lost banter, the clients that have lost someone who they trusted with their locks & their feelings while in that chair, & those who work and are friends with any of those most closely affected. You also think of the other parties concerned; images that will haunt, feelings that will take mountains to move, and the lasting impact of what they endured. This brings a different kind of feeling - not grief as you know it, but more of an ache... of nostalgia, of remembrance, of empathy.

- Seven comes the relating of this back to you, where the ache turns to sorrow, more tears, and a surge in the butterfly-feeling in your heart and pit of your stomach. You go back to the distraught feeling, a loss of purpose, and disbelief hits again.

- This can then turn in to anger, frustration, confusion, and a innate need to do something.

The ways in which everyone goes through these stages is completely different, some may jump back and forth between them or skip some all-together. People will spend more time in one phase than another. Some will process faster, and some may take weeks and months.

The point of this is to know that there is no one look of grief. You may not cry, but rather turn to humour & fondness to get you through. Some people will be the bakers & supporters, and others be the baking-eaters and those being supported. People may turn to a project or something in remembrance, while others will not appreciate nor participate in anything of the sort. You may need people to be around you, or you may need to be alone. You may want to talk about it, to listen about it, or perhaps not hear anything at all.

We are all different in how we get through, but there are several things that we all share:

We need to be respectful of how each of us choose to grieve, & how we show this to others

We need to support one another to make sure that the collective makes it through. This will most likely mean offering different support to different people - one blanket approach to care for all will no-doubt leave someone behind, or make someone worse

We cannot avoid grief, as it is a natural but unfortunate part of living on this Earth. Avoidance will increase internal despair and turmoil that can explode at any time.

So, what can you do to help process? Here's a few ideas. Bare in mind that some of these will be an absolute no go for you, but may be preferred by others - there is no one right way.

• Write a letter, or get your thoughts out on paper. This can be especially beneficial if you find your mind spinning & unable to stop

• Crank up some of their favourite beats, or perhaps some of your own, or even some that spark a joyous & happy memory. Sing along, scream to it, have a boogie, or lay down with a box of tissues.

• Meet up with friends or colleagues that are going through the waves of grief. Grab a drink, a bite to eat, or take a drive or walk somewhere with a view. You can talk about your loss, or something trivial, or find comfort in the silence of being together people who are feeling similar to you.

• Take care for yourself, and time to process things. Life does need to keep going, but you may need to lessen your load and slow down. Or, you may need to keep busy and working through things that way.

• Avoid thinking negatively about the prospect of life, or what life holds for you in the future. It is unfair, yes. It does suck, absolutely. But, would the person you are mourning want you to live your life any less than what you deserve and are capable of, and what they would love to see you do? No. So, we keep going, if not for ourselves, but for them.

There are some good things that can come from all of this, though. The self-reflection you experience cannot be done otherwise, new-found appreciations for things you did not have prior, the increased connectedness & closeness in relationships, the happy memories that will be forever cherished in you mind, the overwhelming honour you feel to have known this person.

Grief can destroy you. And if this happens, this is not a failure, nor is it impossible to come back from.

There is some beauty in grief... it can refine, build, and re-shape you into someone better, or someone new.

Your friend,

Rawing Meg

xx

PS. Some support lines/contact information for any issues raised:

- Call or text 1737

- Lifeline - call 0800 543 354, or text HELP (4357)

- Brochures on coping with grief & loss - https://www.nalag.org.au/brochures