A Way with Words - What to Say, or rather what Not...

I’ve had a few conversations with people across my recovery about what people should say when talking to someone with an eating disorder or how to handle a stranger’s comment on the body of an eating disorder sufferer, especially when weight gain is/has occurred during their recovery. I’ve decided to break this topic down into three segments – reacting, correct wording and their impact, and encounters with strangers – and will provide you with an inside scoop and hopefully make you more aware of the wording you use and what to do, or rather what not to do.

1) How do I react to someone talking about their disorder or past?

This one is all about the stigma surrounding mental illnesses. I can assure you, an eating disorder is not contagious – you will not contract it – so please, don’t run for the hills or look like a deer in headlights when its brought into conversation. Do you react the same to someone who has a brace on their wrist and they talk about their pain or injury? No! So why is it any different for mental health issues? The best thing to do when someone is talking about their illness it simple – listen. Nod your head, say things in agreeance, let them talk and let them know it is okay to talk about these things in conversation and that nothing will change in the way you treat or view that person.

2) What words do I use? What can happen if I use the wrong wording? Can I

comment on someone’s body or physical looks, or eating/foods?

Wording used is a very sensitive subject. A lot of people are aware that changes in weight happen during recovery, and when you see someone who is restoring their weight it can be difficult in figuring out what to say to them so I will put it simply – as a blanket rule, don’t comment on anything about the body. Don’t say that they are looking “good”, “well”, or even “healthy”. Although these come from a good place, the disorder can twist these comments into meaning “fat”, or “a fake”. As an alternative, opt for comments around their “sparkle” in the eye, their personality returning, the smile they give, their hair or hairstyle, their painted nails or makeup – there are plenty of complements that you can give to someone without having to involve the weight and shape of the body. These comments are far less likely to cause any inner turmoil within the person with the disorder.

In terms of comments around food, it’s simple again – just don’t do it. Leave food and eating completely out of the conversation (even when you are sharing a meal or at a café) and talk about other things. By talking about the food, we allow the eating disorder to bubble to the surface and overanalyse everything that is happening at that time. If you are a parent, or partner, or close friend to someone with an eating disorder and have noticed something about the sufferer’s food and/or eating behaviours, mention this outside of meal times and not during – that gives you the best chance of things not getting heated. Remember, food is often torture for sufferers and placing more focus of food in that situation is just not a good idea.

3) What do I do if a stranger or someone who doesn’t know about the sufferer’s illness

says they look good but are still recovering, especially if they are still underweight

and in the process of weight gain?

These things could be said by a co-worker, a schoolmate, a sales-assistant, an Aunt, Uncle, cousin – anyone. This is a situation where the response to this situation will vary depending on the sufferer, the person who said it, and the support people around when the comment is made. Below are three examples of what to do:

• Laugh it off, knowing that their comment came from a good place and they were just wanting to give a complement. If needed, you can talk about this to the sufferer, and reassure them that they are not yet healthy, and that recovery still needs to occur – do this especially if you notice some behaviour or mood changes in the day/s following. If you are who the compliment was targeted at, make sure you talk to someone you trust if you feel shaken by it, or if your eating disorder starts to nag you about it.

• Do not react to the comment when it is said. This ensures that you are not giving the comment any credit, and lets the suffer know that this comment has no power or validity. If you are with the sufferer and feel the need to say something but feel that you don’t want to say it in front of the person in recovery, bring it up at another time with them. Explain to them that they person the comment was made to has an eating disorder. If they say they are looking “good”, “skinny”, “you could be a model”, or anything of the type – you could even tell them that that is promoting an unhealthy idealistic which is placing emphasis on looking good to being underweight. If you are the one the comment was made to, you can also do the same.

• React to the comment when it is immediately said. There is no reason for hiding mental illnesses, and there is nothing wrong for mentioning them in daily conversation. This reaction can come from either you, the sufferer, or you, the person with the suffer. As said in the previous option, you can state that the person/you have an eating disorder and is currently in recovery from this. You can say that by saying something like they said is promoting an unhealthy ideal within our society, and if the person truly thinks you/they look good, then they need to re-assess what they see as healthy.

So, in a quick summary of this post in a simple ‘nay’ and ‘yay’ of what to say to someone with a disorder:

Additionally, if you are guilty of saying anything before mentioned to someone in recovery - whether you were aware of that or not - please, do not think that you have ruined the recovery of someone. Mistakes happen, and what can come from a good place is twisted to mean something entirely different not by the sufferer, but what they are suffering from. The best thing you can do is exactly what you are doing now - educating yourself and making yourself more aware about mental health and illnesses. So for that, on behalf of all of us - thank-you.

Until next time!

Your friend,

Rawing Meg

xx