Guest Speaker Series #3 - Rachel

I was able to interview Rachel in person, at a local cafe in my rural hometown just outside of Christchurch. Cuppa in hand, we were there for a good 90-minutes, just having a good yarn - as friends do - and reflecting upon our years that had gone. We got pretty deep, and have never really talked that much about Rachel's story in such a personal way. But I found the whole process thoroughly enjoyable, and I have known this lady for twelve years - over half of my lifetime, and have been an observer throughout Rach's struggles. It was such a 'proud mum' moment for me to be sitting down with her, and her being in a position where the struggles in her past are just that - the past; and see how well she is doing in her life now.

Without further intro, here is Rach's story...

Rachel - From Health Sciences, to Plant Pathologist and Avid Swimmer

• Childhood & youth

I came from a well-off family, and had a fairly good childhood. My parents worked hard, owned their own business, and spent long hours away from home. This, coupled alongside living rurally – a place just outside of Christchurch – meant that school days became very long; the hour bus ride to and from, after-school care, early mornings and late nights… it all added up, I tired became a new normal. I also came from a line of high-achievers, so thought and felt pressure to do the same, and please those around me. I did what I thought I should, which wasn’t always what I wanted.

• First-year Health Sciences

Fast-forward through a rather rocky and testing time at secondary school, I graduated and went straight into tertiary education; packing up all my life in boxes and relocating to Dunedin for the infamous ‘First Year Health Sciences’. I moved into a uni hall, highly regarded as being a very academic and competitive environment. I began this degree because I though medicine is what I should be doing, but also because I liked the idea. I still wasn’t really in the best state to be down at Otago; I knew I was still depressed, and only made a few good friends during my time at Dunedin.

The first semester started in February, and there were a lot of ups and downs – academically and personally, stressors were rife. When I felt things getting out of control, I found myself resorting to food and exercise, developing some really unhelpful disordered behaviours. I lost weight, and began over-exercising and restricting – but was never officially diagnosed with an eating disorder. I then quickly bounced back, but in the opposite direction… it was safe to say that my mind and body were all over the place.

Only two months into my time at Dunedin, shit really hit the fan. My self-harm became a real problem again, friends began to drift, and I was in and out of hospital. My dad rung me one day, telling me he was on his way down to collect me and bring me home – I had been kicked out of my halls, having become too unwell to continue my studies. So, I went home and lived there for two months, but really struggled with the embarrassment of what I had done. I really wanted to just start again. I met a guy on a popular dating app, and moved in with him soon after. We’re engaged now, so it worked out rather well!

Around this time, I also started therapy with a public psychiatric registrar in Christchurch. It was a set-week, contracted therapy programme which saw me having appointments one a week, then progressing to fortnightly visits. I didn’t share everything, but felt I didn’t really need to. I was taking medication for my depression, as well as for my ongoing back pain and conditions – but I began to abuse it, then crashed, and knew I had to stop. I came off both medications, and have now been free from anti-depressants for around 18 months.

Moving out saw me leap into the workforce, landing a job as a lifeguard at a local pool. I didn’t really enjoy it, so decided to return to study the following year – this time, at the local university that I didn’t need to move away for. I was able to study from home, and graduated from my science degree this year just passed, and have now begun my honours in plant pathology

• Exercise

Exercise was a delicate relationship in my recovery. I’m a water baby, swimming since I was young, but at high school, I swam during my school lunch hours to avoid having to find people to sit with because I didn't really have any friends. In Dunedin, it dropped off of the radar as other things – such as my studies and mental health – became a priority. I picked it back up again when I returned home and began working at the pool. I also became a swim coach for children, and spent some time with my dad at local lakes and bays. Last year, my dedication, passion, and need for the sport increased, seeing me set a goal of completing a 10k swim. Of course, doubt filled my head and I began to question myself, and my ability. I casted these aside, and I did it; competing in an event in Wanaka early this year… safe to say, I have caught the bug and am gearing up for the next endeavour! I don’t need to tell you why moving my body helped me in my recover, because the scientific evidence behind exercise and the dopamine ‘feel good’ effect is clear.

• Advice to others contemplating Uni, and First-Year Health Sciences?

This may be controversial, and go against what professionals and others may tell you – including Meg! – but I would say ‘go for it’… unless you are seriously unwell. It is a sink or swim situation, and a bloody hard course for anyone to do. You will struggle with studying, no matter what degree or course it is, but at the same time – we all know that we disregard what others advise us to do when we have our head and heart set elsewhere. All I can say is that you have to be prepared to lower your expectations of yourself, and know the consequences if things turn sour.

• Me, now

I would consider myself well...don’t get me wrong, some days I still struggle with disordered thoughts, but now I can ignore them and continue on with a normal life. I’m able to keep my mental wellbeing in check, work, study, exercise, and have a long-term relationship.

I don’t think you will ever actually recover, until you are ready and willing to do so; you’ll just be stuck in a quasi-state, going through the motions, and letting life pass you by, until you make the choice to put yourself first.

• My favourite quote to live by

This comes from the swimming film, ‘On a clear day’, in a scene where the main character doubts themselves and their ability to continue what they started, and is:

“Because you don’t have a choice…. You never did.”