What Mental Illness took from me, and that of others

I like to keep this place recovery-focused, where past experiences pave the way for positive lessons to be learned.

A good friend and I had a long and lengthy chat about our pasts, and while we had different mental illnesses and struggles, the similarities rose when we talked about the destruction and rubble they left behind. No only in our lives, but the lives of those close to us – whether we intended/liked it or not.

I still get very emotional and upset at myself when I reflect upon the years where my disorders were my life; not for myself, but for the impact it all had on others. I forced people to put me first when they otherwise would not have, I cancelled holidays and trips away, was the reasons concerts and events were not attended, and caused my sibling to be pushed to the background while my life was at stake and I was too ill to help myself. My disorders made my parents cry and yell at one another and me, to work less so they could care for me at home; all because my illness made me a selfish, shallow, and terror of a person. I need to constantly remind myself to forgive myself for this - because the actions, words, and intentions behind them, was not Meg; it was what my illness made Meg become. I was mentally unwell, not in the right frame of mind (in any way), and was so far away from myself that I couldn’t even see it, and presently struggle to comprehend it.

Here’s the perspective from my friend; whose words are honest, brutal even, but 100% true.

“As I’ve experienced it and been witness to other people at all different life stages, mental illness is a driver for relationship change, both positive and negative. For me, my illness connected me with other suffering souls and people along their own journey with depression and self-harm. It also disabled me from having any sort of perspective of how my illness was affecting my family and my close friends. My actions drove away my best and closest friend, a relationship I grieve even to this day despite taking actions within my control to bridge the chasm I alone created. Those I have once cared for deeply I have had to separate myself from due to their own illnesses affecting how our friendship was reciprocated. A huge challenge, as the depth of my empathy and identity has been formed through helping others with their struggles. I have witnessed close family drive people away, end relationships, and even marriages due to the handling of, or being handled by their mental illness.

“Of all the things I have been made aware of having overcome severe depression, and living with ongoing depressive tendencies in my young adult life so far, the most painful and deeply regretful aspect for me has been forgiving myself for those whom I loved and lost because I could not at that time see beyond myself and my illness. For some this may have differed, but as humans we thrive off our emotional and intimate connections with other humans. Most of those whom I know personally have severed at least one connection along their journey with mental illness, that they desperately wish they could undo. It is a huge price to pay and a sad moment at whatever point you do realise you have crossed a line with someone and that you cannot go back. Grieve for these people, make amends where you can. We are humans who grow and change and reflect and regret. Above all forgive yourself for letting these people go.”

Remember this about your past selves, and those of others; we are often so clouded and entrenched in our disorders that the decisions we made, actions taken, and words spoken, are not what our non-disordered selves would ever consider. That’s the saddening aspect of mental illness – when we are in a place to reflect upon our actions of our pasts, it can be too late to make amends to what occurred as a result of them.

As stated previously, you need to forgive yourself. Learn from it, grow from it, do not punish yourself over it all for the rest of your life.

Your friend, Rawing Meg xx