Why we walked for PADA

My wonderful mother, Trudi, and I celebrated Mother’s Day a bit differently this year. Instead of buying into the commercialised day of typical flowers or chocolates (don’t get me wrong, the thoughts are there) on the actual date dedicated to the day; I pushed it out to the following week, and spent my money on the gift for her as a donation towards entry into a 5km walk to fundraise for an important and special New Zealand organisation, PADA – perinatal anxiety and depression Aotearoa. It was a beautiful morning, with easily over 150 of us turning out in a sea of yellow to walk for such a good cause.

Over one quarter of all women who become pregnant will suffer from depression either during or in the time after their pregnancy and birth, with 1 in 10 men experiencing depression after the birth of their child/ren.

These statistics are staggering, considering the number of children born each year, but the focus is often on the miraculous and amazing experience that is growing, creating, and bringing new life into the world.

When a child is born, new parents are commonly told that caring for that newborn will ‘come naturally’, and that you will ‘just know what to do and what bubba is asking for’. But here’s the thing; I don’t know about you – but if I had just birthed a baby human that I spent nine months feeding and growing out of a tiny hole in by body that goodness knows how it expanded… I WOULDN’T HAVE A BLOODY CLUE WHAT THE HELL THE THING WANTS!

What cry means what?

Am I holding them the right way?

Why won’t they latch on?

Why won’t they sleep or stop crying?

Why do they favour mum over dad, or vice versa?

The idea that parenting comes naturally too easily feed into the idea that there is something wrong with the parents if any hiccups in the nurturing occur. Since the bub cannot answer our questions, we are forced to try and figure out what they are saying instead. And, quite often, it is easier to blame oneself than it is to put that blame onto another.

Thus, creating the staggering rates of anxiety and depression across the perinatal period – for both man and woman.

Men – it is common to feel a bit useless and helpless, even disconnected, from your baby. You didn’t have bub growing for nine months inside you, and you are often not able to give the child what it needs when crying – aka, the boob. You may not feel that love and connection you expected to have with your baby, but over time your role in their life will increase as the dependency upon what mum can provide decreases. Hold on to that, and know that the whole process of pregnancy and the impact that such event can have is not something that only women are allowed to experience.

Women – it is okay to feel lost, a little helpless, confused, and anxious about caring for a young one. Mothering will not come naturally to all; latching may take some time (or not even happen at all), a cry that doesn’t stop is not a reflection of bad parenting or you doing something wrong, and sleep habits and behaviours are unique to each baby born.

Personally? The whole idea of pregnancy has me terrified… the concept of growing a child inside of you is crazy, the changes to your body are remarkable, the birthing progress itself is rather daunting and mind-boggling, and then the caring for the new bubs is a whole other story! The dependency of a child solely on its parents is immense, and the expectation that parents will fit naturally into their roles of mum and dad is something blasted out – which would make me feel immensely guilty and ashamed if my partner or I felt otherwise.

I may not be a mother, or have great experience with new-borns nor pregnancy – but this does not mean I cannot advocate around such an important mental health issue. So, to all current and future mums and dads out there; it is okay. You are not alone in your struggles with your mood or anxiety. It is okay to reach out for help and assistance during this time, in fact – I would encourage it. Know that there is always a way through things, and there will always be people there to support you.

And a message to you all – lookout for fundraising opportunities of local New Zealand societies around mental health or any other important cause. Getting some funky coloured clothing from a local second-hand store, and giving a bit of money to take part in a fun run or walk, or lunch or other event is vital. You’d be surprised at how many of them are out in our local communities – Facebook, Instagram, and Community Noticeboards are a good place to seek these sorts of things out.

Your friend,

Rawing Meg xx